Saturday, 13 April 2013
Fools guide out of awkward situations
You bump into your crush wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever
Its a drab day and you lazily step out of the house to buy some snacks at a nearby spaza. You grab your oversized spongebob tshirt, dirty track suit and woolen hat. You make a turn to your left.Then you see him. First thing to do is to smile at him. Do not look guilty. Do not look down at your weird appearance. Act casual. Say hie. Keep walking. Do not stop to talk to him. Do not look back. You are not celebrity. You are allowed to look awful every now and then!
Your bra unhooks itself in public
To the casual obeserver, this might be not be apparent. So keep a straight face and avoid pushing your arms forward as this will pull the bra forward displacing the cups. Find the nearest toilet. Or better yet, ask a female to discreetly hook it from the back. What are sisters for?
You trip and fall in a public place
There's two dignified ways to get out of this one. And they both depend sorely on the response of your audience. If they make a joke it, you can't beat them. Join them. Laugh out loudest. And longest. Hahahahaha!
If they decide to throw a pity party for you, be the victim. "Its way to slippery down here. Thank you for helping me up"
You get dumped via text
Ignore him. The loser. You're way above his league anyway
Your monthly period pays you an unexpected visit
Worst case scenario? You're flowing like a burst pipe and you're in a taxi. You're seated on the second seat behind the driver, next to the window. You have already messed your seat and you are the first to get out at your next stop. Way out? None. You are doomed. You have to stay. Fake a seuzure, and faint.
Ok I'm joking. Get out of that taxi as fast as possible while covering your face. And hope to Jesus that you never see any of those people ever again.
Your mother catches you masturbating
Sprawled on the bed with your legs open. Fingering... Then she bursts into the room. If you're a moaner this could work to your advantage. Sit up slightly and pretend you're examining yourself. Kindly ask her to look inside to check for any sores.... Ok ok ok. Maybe thats too complicated. She could suggest a visit to the clinic. Casually act like its itchy down there. Problem solved
Your best friend sleeps with the man of your dreams
Cry. There's nothing you can do. You can't throw away a good friendship just because of a guy. Get a box of chocolate, stay in doors with a roll of tissue. Spend the whole day practicing your best grin for every time she mentions how great it was.
Asked to speak in front of an audience but bore them to death
Best way to get an audience interested is to involve them. Speak with confidence and passion. Ask a rhetorical question. Give practical examples. Use body language. Light travels faster than sound so people will first watch you before they decide whether what you are saying is worth listening to or not.
Embarassed your date because you're a clumsy dancer
You tried your moves on the dance floor and only succeeded in creating a mini-catastrophe. Get out of there. Sit your ass down before you injure somebody. Stick to being a spectator
Decide to wear a vest and shorts but the weather goes iceage on you
If you are far from home and you in a central area buy a pair of leggings to wear under your shorts and a jersey. If you have no cash on you, stick to the warmer places. Mcdonalds is usually the best place to hide out in the cold.
Your nude pictures surface online
That isnt you. Hahaha really is this somebody's idea of a nasty joke? You're not offended really. Wow its so creepy how the person looks like you. Photoshop! Aha!
Got drunk and threw up on someone
This is the kind of scenario where you can get away with anything. Its highly unlikey they'll go through the trouble of trying to hit you with all gooey mixture on top of them. If its someone you secretly hate you can laugh maliciously at them and apologise the next morning.
You flirt with a guy and his possesive girlfriend notices
You spot him from across the room. He's goodlooking. Hes been stealing glances at you and like the predator you are, you make a move. Umfortunately for you the Lioness has spotted an invader. Yours truly. And she quickly closes in for the kill.
Acknowledge her. Give her your friendliest smile and compliment her earings, or her top or whatever. As soon as she is distracted, say a brief, bye and busy yourself with something else. Argument avoided!